I have no idea how to handle anything to be honest.

at the top of the self injury forum there are some ides that may help

I guess it has all kind of built up. Emotionally I've got nothing left to give and yet I still can't say no.

people please like me....theres a book ...when i say no i feel guilty - old book but let me see a lot of what i was doing wrong - see if your library has it its an easy read may help

I'm working 6 days a week with next to no time to myself and no chance to recharge.

well thats a big part of the problem then - you need time to rest and revive - beign tired wont help you handle your emotions....why are you working 6 days and how much longer for?

Which means when I found my ex boyfriends amateur porn account I had no buffer to deal with it.

shakes my head,

There's nothing quite like hearing your ex masturbate to other women and see him using the exact same phrases he used on you (You're the only person to make me do... I've never felt so connected...) to make it clear how little he cared about you. And how stupid you were for falling for his tricks.

he sounds like "a player" someone who manipulates people for his own needs - and well versed in what a woman needs to hear to be comfortable and connected - what a rat grrr! you werent stupid - he sounds like he's had a lot of practice at deceiving , and we tend to believe those we love till we find otherwise -

On top of that I see him being so nice to these other women (just like he was when we first met.) and I can't help but think that maybe he really is a nice person and the only reason he turned on me and started treating me bad was because I did something to deserve it.

NO! he's abusive, sucked you in , same as he will suck in the next one till either he gets help or gets caught , or someone maybe does it to him - my sisters ex started off all sweetness and light - then turned into a control freak while making everyone else round thinnk he was a wonderful husband he verbally destroyed her self confience and self worth - you dont deserve anyone "turning on you" he is not a nice person

I know that an abuser is never going to show his true face in that sort of public scenario but I still struggle with all the self doubt and lack of worth he encouraged.

yes and you need to work through that and get healed ....

I'm also feeling a distinct urge to warn these women. To tell them to run. Run as fast as you can. There is a reason this 'perfect' man has been 'single' for 10 years. I know they wouldn't believe me though. I wouldn't have believed anyone who said that to me.

nods agreement wiht the above ^^^^

I've been so emotionally on edge of late that honestly those cuts were the most relief I have felt in a long time.

believe me when i say i fully understand how it can seem that way - but there are better ways to deal wiht this, ones that dont hurt you

It's scary. I don't think I want to stop again.

talk to your T about this - for me its actually an easy option - one pain to cover another - to let all that pain out and distract me .... and i have the scars to prove it.....its not a good way or a healthy way to deal wiht your pain - find another way please...you deserve better.

I can only see my therapist every 6 weeks or so and I have no friends left over after that relationship meaning I've got no support anyway, so there is no one to care if I'm SHing or not.