So basically, I just got out of the hospital from another mania and lost another job. I was very paranoid and thought there were cameras in the trees, people reading my thoughts. I lost everything I'd worked for. It wasn't even a great job because I lost the job before that because of a depression. My family had high hopes for me and I have let them down over and over again. Does anyone ever feel like things are going really well when you're in a hypomania and then all of the sudden things start to get really loud, really fast, really bright and colorful and you realize too late that you're manic and you're completely out of control then?

Now I'm on my medication and living at my parents and everything is gray and boring and flat. I guess the problem is that I don't really have anything to care about now. I keep losing jobs and relationships and I live in a very small town with nothing to do. I do get disability now but it's not enough to live on my own. It's enough to live with my parents. I've always come back from disasters like this and tried harder, fought harder, found another job or moved to another city and made something work. It's different this time. Something changed this time and I can't bring myself to care. It just feels like I've hit some kind of limit. Like I've fought too long and too hard and I've tried to many things. I just can't do it anymore. There aren't any more reasons that I can think of. I wake up every morning and think is there anything I have to do today? No? Good, thank God. I'm going to lock myself in my room all day with my dog. I don't even like having to talk to my parents.

I don't want to complain too much because I haven't damaged myself in any ways that are permanent. Maybe part of it is coming down from a manic episode but I just feel so broken and empty. I look at other people my age who are married with kids and stable jobs and then there's me living at my parents house watching tv all day. I just want to know what other people with bipolar disorder do. I'm just at standstill. I've never felt so paralyzed. It just seems like too much to take. The things that make people happy are all the things I can't have it seems. I just don't know where to go from here.