10/22/2014
I guess I’m just here to vent a little and get some things off of my chest. First and foremost, I’ve been a cutter since the age of 12. My body is covered with scars of my past. I’m 31 years old and hadn’t injured myself for 1 year and 7 months. I had a relapse a few days ago, and I feel as though I’m still suffering from lingering thoughts about it. I wrote something a couple of days after that I’d like to share:

The blackness has loomed its presence ever so carefully making certain you weren’t aware of its arrival until it had soaked itself in your soul. The shadow engulfed your being without any chance of escape as there was no warning. A blackness where each day it steals a piece of your soul, and where the only chance of retrieval is the battle ground where you fight the battle of your life, for your life. It’s a blackness where your darkest dreams become the reality you live in. You see the rays of light cascading down as if a savior has come to bare some of the weight of your lifeless core, but you quickly find that it’s all a delusion. The light is untouchable, blocked by a limitless boundary of fear and sadness. The only escape is to bleed out.

I’m not sure what’s going on and why I’m feeling like this. I can’t say that I’m depressed. I have a lot going for me right now and everything seems on the up and up. It could be several small factors that have snowballed into one big thing, but it all seems so trivial. Do I just have horrible stress intolerance? I don’t really feel depressed. I feel that there’s hope, I’m motivated, I’m healthy enough, etc. I just don’t even know what’s going on… it’s very bothersome.