Usually I know when an inpatient stay is coming because I get so desperate. I almost always sign myself in after suffering for weeks. But this time I didn't expect it at all. I was super depressed and getting desperate but I still didn't expect to go inpatient.

My pdoc told me that I had to go back to the IOP I was in over the summer because she couldn't treat the depression anymore. That made me feel so hopeless and down that the next day I was seriously considering suicide. I felt like I could actually do it too. So when I showed up at the intake I was a mess. I guess I overshared with the nurse practitioner because she ended up calling Mobile crisis on me to come get me. I really thought I could talk my way out of going inpatient but the nail in the coffin was when they called my pdoc and asked her. She said "she probably needs to be hospitalized". So that was it. They called the cops to come pick me up and take me to the crisis center. They put me in the hospital.

But this time I finally gave up and started ECT treatments again. Absolutely nothing else is helping. I've been hospitalized five times in the last year and a half. And I had ECT eight years ago and it was like a miracle treatment. I stayed mostly stable for six years. I'm just hoping it works that well again. I'll settle for getting out of this depression though.

I've had four treatments and I do feel better. Had to stay inpatient for twelve days though. I missed my son immensely. But I don't want to kill myself anymore. I have the next month for short term disability. So I don't have to worry about work for at least a month. I can just focus on getting through the rest of my treatments and doing the outpatient program.

So that's where I've been. I look forward to getting back to the boards.