today was a bad day and the more I think about it the more I realize that I'm not ok and will need to leave another message to my doctor..Its been a hard week trying to act like I was better to make my family happy but matter of fact I'm not good, I feel like ****, I feel guilty, I'm fed up with everything I must do, I'm fed up that even if I'm a pain for my family they can also be a pain, I'm fed up that addressing issues about what I need never really changes and I'm fed up that even if I try to be nice and undisturbing and just do what I'm suppose to do like a good little person..nothing changes. why should I be nice. My partner is terrible at showing empathy, lousy at being affectionate unless she's in a good mood, or she goes through an issue and that I come around to help the way she needs it. Yup I'm sick I have a mental illness that makes living with me hard some times..but on the other hand man can I be convenient and practical for some things. Today was a hard day, I felt sad and needed a hug a lousy hug but instead I was able to say a few words and it made me feel like I was disturbing her again. In normal times when I'm feeling ok..I can live with this it,s just a frustration, but today, this week with all the **** happening it's just too much. I may have a mental illness but she has her own problems that I live with and today well it made me sad, real sad and frustrated..because I feel guilty sometimes of being a burden..I offer to do stuff that I know will make her happy and because it makes me happy to help but then..when she acts like this it really makes me wonder. While I'm home on sick leave solving the problems around our house and her mom's house trying to be calm and not stressing, trying not to complain she's just acting as if I was all good..I'm not all good, I've just gone from a summer of hypomania that has gone to being cranky, started new med, had to accept I needed to take a sick leave..I'm scared **** I'll loose my new job..and my mother who needs me is in the hospital undergoing test for lung cancer and I can't get myself to go there cause I work there...I'm not ok..and never did she offer to go see my mom...really today is crappy.