Thank you to the three of you. Today... also a struggle. I had a small lunch but felt so physically bloated and full from eating it. I had 3 meals today... real meals... and it just feels so hopeless. My brain screams at me for eating way too much, and objectively, I'm barely getting close to what i'm supposed to eat.

It's hard to hold that concept in my mind. I'm supposed to eat X amount of food each day. But so many days I eat much less. My body keeps working, brain keeps functioning, etc. So I start to believe I really only need to eat Y a day and that the rest is ********. But then that shifts on me and now Y is Z until the answer is very little food at all.

My work environment has turned toxic. I do not like being there. This is absolutely impacting my food. I'm so full on emotion that there's little room for nutrition. I'm also losing any desire to fight back on it. Trying to apply to new jobs and look up new options each day so I have a way out OTHER than total relapse. It's frustrating. I hate feeling powerless. I'd much rather embrace the eating disorder and take control. It's only annoying when I am trying to eat and the ED gets in the way. If I would just give up and let it run the show...

... those thoughts aren't helpful. I'm off to bed. So ends another incredibly long day.