I don't honestly feel like doing anything anymore as it is too much stress. Then I feel crap with myself for not doing anything.

I go to work but as I'm on anti-psychotics, it is exacerbating my akathisia and I can't stop moving my legs. I get this restless feeling like I want to go somewhere and pace around or something but that would make me look like a weirdo. I used to suffer akathisia before the meds like I can't stand still for long periods of time, I have to hop from one leg to the other. I am bored with my work so I don't know if this is one of the reasons.

I've been prescribed diazepam 2mg which helped me last time I had akathisia on anti-psychotic meds 2 years ago but is not helping now. I'm always full of tension all the time, especially in my neck. I see a psycho-sexual therapist as I have vaginismus and she said if she saw her husband come through the door feeling anxious and tense as I am she'd feel sad but it doesn't make a difference because it's me.

I've always been like this my whole life except when I was a child but my parents say to me you'll get through it like Fern Britton and your father but they come across as bubbly happy characters so you notice when they are sad where as I'm just boring, quiet and nervous all of the time. I feel like I carry around nervous energy and people would be better off without me around, even my dog barks and scoffs at me. When I say this to people they say she does it to everyone but I notice it's worst with me and it annoys me they're lying to me.

I'm seeing my CPN later who's going to (hopefully) give me some meds for anxiety and depression. I was on fluoextine before but it worked for so long but then it's as if my body got used to it and he eventually upped the dose to 60mg then I got psychotic. My CPN was shocked I was on such a high dose. I don't know what other meds will work and I'm wary of depending on them to make me feel better.

I feel anxious walking into shops and going into town on my own, with someone else it eases but I'm conscious of becoming dependent on someone. I don't want my boyfriend to feel burdened. He can get stressed quite easily himself then wants breaks from me and tells me to stay at my parents for a week.