worried.

I've been talking to someone on another forum in PMs and I feel like perhaps there is something there. Yet. I am worried. Anxious. Fearful that I will be betrayed. Told to kill myself or go away. I feel like I can really get along with this person. That they aren't vastly different from myself. Though I think it's because they aren't vastly better than myself.

I am a horrible jealous person. I feel like my jealousy ruins everything in my life. I get horribly jealous of others. Enraged even. I feel like it will affect me in the future even with possible relationships with others because people tend to progress with their lives.

A consuming hatred.

My poor self esteem getting in the way. I also feel like I am rushing my emotions since this is one of the first people I have felt something with in awhile or ever. Someone I can talk to and actually feel like I am I guess connecting and also seems to like me back. (Maybe?) There was a person in the past but they sprung a confession on me out of the blue because I couldn't see the signs and it scared me away. (2 confessions even.) All of the people that have ever shown interest were online and it makes me wonder. Am I ugly or something? I don't know. I am hoping I am not scared with this one because I actually think it could work perhaps.

Still scared though.

I've always been alone so I don't really know what I am doing. I really don't want to mess up again. I feel like this one could work but then in the back of my mind I feel like it will crumble. I will be devastated and I feel like I have already messed up. ( I just sent them a message saying they were fantastic.) I just feel like I am messing up or going to mess up and it ruins me a little inside.

I am probably rushing too because yeah. Always alone. The only girls I talk to are online. I don't think I am horribly ugly in real life but maybe I am. I feel like I am being sucked into this again and when it all falls down I will be in shambles trying to recover myself for month only to come out much darker. Like the last time.