Oh man....the insecurity meter is going off the charts and I totally hate my guts right now.

Without getting into the gory details, I quit college a semester before graduation, for many reasons. I eventually went back (at 30), finished my bachelor's and went on for a master's, so it all worked out, sort of.

I'm a reporter for a small weekly in Milwaukee. I regularly cruise an industry-news blog just to see what's going on on the national scene. The page is updated throughout the day.

When I went for my post-lunch check, the first item was that someone I went to school with (the first time, back when I still had a future) just got a job with ESPN.

Yup, here I am, making 24K a year, and he's going to ESPN. I feel like dirt.

Now, I have therapy tonight, and I can picture Gregory telling me that this guy didn't have to overcome everything I did -- 10 years of sexual abuse, etc. Everyone who knows about my life tells me how wonderful it is that I've been able to do so much and come so far. But dammit, it's not true. I'm so far behind at this point I'm not going to peak till I'm 90! And it all could have been avoided, and it's all my fault that I live in a state where it says "America's Dairyland" on the license plates (if you don't think THAT'S embarrassing when you roadtrip :-) ... and have a meaningless job and no career to speak of. I should be having this guy's life. It was in my grasp, and I f'd it up, and I'm going to pay the consequences forever.

And, I not only want to cut, I want to hack my entire f'ing arm off with a rusty saw. I have a friend who once took a hammer and broke her own arm. That shocked me at the time, but there have been times since it happened that I've given it serious consideration. This is one of them.

What a waste of life I am.

:_(

Candy


There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers