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I didn't realize you were with Madame T for that long CE... I suspect you two have been going circles around the same impasse for a long time. You are very attached to her, that's for sure (and unsurprising). If I had to guess I would say it's a transference-countertransference thing and you guys both were/are completely locked into it.
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'...
At poor peace I sing
To you strangers (though song
Is a burning and crested act,
The fire of birds in
The world's turning wood,
For my sawn, splay sounds,)
...'
Dylan Thomas, Author's Prologue
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