So I have looked at myself over the last couple of months, sat back and thought WOW! I'm really nuts! Its really hard not to think otherwise. I started getting into forums for the sake of emotional support about 2 months ago, right after a brief hospitalization. I figure at this point in my life, its better to have an outlet, even if it means interacting with others in the same boat, simply so I don't feel so alone. About six months ago was the real breaking point of the illness. I was diagnosed at 17, and was stable for many years. Then life happened and of course, its the life events that seem to always set the spirals into full blown hurricanes. I was in a long term relationship for 5 years, and during that relationship a numerous amount of life altering events took place. My mother died, me and my ex lost a child, and I found out my ex was loving others as well. I left her and secluded myself to a life of pot, work, and computer games. During that year I had 3 attempts, 2 minor one major. The major one was 6 months ago in April. Severe OD that almost cost me my life and ended the pain. After coding twice, I spent a week in the ICU, my wife (who as my best friend at the time) sitting by my side the whole time. Miraculously I survive and am living with minimal issues. I have pretty bad kidney problems. Been in and out of failure a couple of times, but that is okay. I am pretty damn lucky. My last psych stay was end of july. My wife had lost our child and as this was the second time, it hit pretty hard.

After my hospitalization, I decided to take control of my life. I married my wife. Things are well but I know that being with me is a huge struggle, but I think she is okay with that. I'm looking back on everything and just in awe at how much my life has changed and how bad its really gotten inside my head. The episode in April seems to have really set of a never-ending spiral that just not seem to let up. I will be depressed then energetic. Energetic then enraged, enraged then depressed….and round and round we go. I've recently changed meds and after the roller coaster of adjustment I have settled into a nice stable depression...