Worried. Stuck in a pointless loop where I think about hurting myself so the pdoc will have to take me on and then I decide that I only want help if it is because I'm worth helping and not because I SI. I'd feel bad if I chose to SI and then I use not doing it to make myself feel worse. I used to respect myself for staying safe, it felt like a positive achievement, now it feels like a massive barrier that prevents me from getting help. There is a nagging voice saying "Go on, just once, that will be enough". I keep answering back, saying no, not yet. Pathetic,why can't I just break this thought pattern, it is leading nowhere.