I just stumbled onto the concept of "childhood emotional neglect" and it was as though a lightbulb came on.
I have been struggling to understand possible reasons why I developed into a very depressed, anxiety filled and isolated young adult out of a perfectly normal happy childhood...
I also have been having difficulty understanding why a lot of my resentment lands on my mom, who has actively done little to warrant such angry feelings.
Prior to my parents divorce, I was already sad, self-isolating, and growing apart from my mother.
I think emotional neglect is the key! I grew up with everything, except validation when I really needed it. I remember these key moments when I would go to my mother and try to receive some understanding or comfort, but I would either be hushed and hugged when I wanted advice (and thus dismissed) or given advice when I wanted to be held (and thus rebuked).
Two moments stand out: The first was going to mom to get advice about a boy I liked. I only remember talking to her about it once, and she didn't cheer me on and encourage me excitedly to go after him, she just said some lukewarm 'oh that's great'. The second was middle school, I got one B on a nearly straight As report card, but my older brother got all straight As. I was very upset, but my parents brushed it off. They didn't care about my grades. I remember after that point having a very laissez faire attitude towards school and grades (which boiled down to not studying and not doing homework on time throughout high school and into college)
As an adult I have already come to realize that my mother doesn't seem to recognize certain emotional needs of others, particularly her kids. Only recently did I get up the courage to ask her to just hug me when I'm really depressed and crying buckets. It seemed like a no brainer to me: why didn't she just know right away to hug me? I have had these dark pointless crying jags many times before, and she'd sit coldly across the room and try to give advice... as I cried alone!
I always thought that was so weird because she seems like a really sensitive warm person. Except that she doesn't give away hugs freely. I think this is because she was emotionally neglected as a child.
When she was a preteen, her brother died and her parents must have just pulled away in their grief. I think they probably didn't talk about it much. Her parents are very religious, charitable and giving, but emotionally there's some formality. I used to think it was just old-fashioned behavior, but now I'm convinced it has to do with their son.
I'm relieved that I found this out. I think it might help me to understand and reduce some of my anger towards mom. After all, it's not entirely her fault if she can't notice when I'm depressed. Also, I'm an adult and she never hit me or anything. I am glad though that I can understand why my "perfect childhood" didn't turn me out so great... and now I know that it isn't my fault that I feel flawed and unworthy.
Do any of you have similar experiences? And just to be clear, I'm talking rosy cheerful childhoods with just an odd feeling that something was missing...