I find myself wondering if I would be better off alone where I had no one to bother and no one to perturb me. I am married to a great guy and it isn't that I don't love him. I do. However, the reality is I am what I am and who I am. There are things I cannot change. I am always striving to be my best, to be as balanced as I can and to try to fair as I can about all things. I just can't sometimes and sharing a house with someone so vastly opposite me is just not working. We also have next to nothing in common. No hobbies, no music, no tv shows.... 0 things. We only have house plants and a rabbit we both like.

In the last 2 years I find a lot of the time I am just generally annoyed by him or his presence. I think it stems from having to explain myself over and over. Like he can't seem to remember to stop mucking about in my spice cabinet? How many times do I have to bloody say it? I think I am on the 15th round of "stop messing with my kitchen. You don't cook ever!!!". Or I am not in the mood to be goofed around with and he tries about a dozen different ways to be "funny" and it is just so annoying I can't stand it. But then I feel like the horrible person for getting irritated and telling him to stop. Or when I am in a good mood and I want to do something together and for no reason I can fathom, he just can't be bothered. I am actually a rather logical and sensible person.

Today, I am in a bad mood (no reason) and he told me to stop it because he doesn't like it. Oh, and I do? You think I am purposefully trying to be pissed off for no good reason other than the wind is blowing or some other nonsensical reason my brain has come up with? Yeah, because I just love it soooo much.

He hasn't bothered to learn anything, at all, about my ADHD or even the newer diagnosis of Bipolar. Really? You cannot take the time out of your music documentary watching, your geneology, your Premier League watching to learn anything about what your wife of 6 years is going through? You can't? Nice.
"I just don't understand this stuff." He says.
"We can go talk to my therapist, you can go talk to one. The hospital holds courses for the family of people with...." I tell him.
"No. I don't really think any of that is for me" He says.....

On the converse he still stands by me. He still says he loves me. He is massively helpful around the house. It's a 50/50 there. We don't have a lot, but we are comfortable. It's super tight money wise because he is the only one working. He provides for everything we need and he still tries to find ways for us to each do some extras that we each love. I am lucky in those respects.

I hate to say it though, if I had a job (no prospects whatsoever... like lower than zilch of a chance) or I had any money to my name, I'd have left last year. Not because I don't love him, but because I feel like it just is broken beyond mending. I keep trying and he keeps saying how exhausted he is. I get it. This (pointing to myself) isn't a hot mess, but I am still hard to handle. He is one of those blissfully calm, seriously normal and moderate energy people. The only people I don't burn out are Type A, high energy, creative types.... he's not that at all. I don't want to hurt him in any way, shape or form, but I feel like I am slowly putting his spark out. Killing off his dreams, his passions and I think that is terribly unfair. But divorcing is going to make me feel like I've been nothing more than a leech of his time, money, emotions and his support. I feel I've given less than I've taken, but I give all I have to give, even if it's not much.

My most intrinsic nature is to do no harm. To give without thought to being paid back. To serve others with the few talents and gifts I have to give freely of. To be kind always. But if I stay or if I go, I feel like I will be betraying all of myself.

I don't know what to do. Has anyone else been here? Any advice?