Hello bluedonna92: I'm so sorry you're in such despair. I hope that, somehow, you can find the strength to rise above the situation you find yourself in now. Please don't hate yourself for submitting this post. It is important to acknowledge feelings like this & to let them out... "ventilate" them, as the Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön would say. And this is what all of us here on PC are for. I wish you all the best... please keep posting!