Thanks you guys. I am normally really good at standing my ground but since this depression I have become very vulnerable. I am at my 5th month of severe depression and I am close to loosing everything because of it. I do feel toxic. I have had my lithium level checked and it is 0.6 so I am ok in that respect. But nothing seems to be pulling me out of this depression. I don't even know how to find another pdoc. I have been with her for almost 14 years. I have such a long history with her I feel like she's the only one who understands me and knows what I have been through. But the medications are getting out of control and I feel like I am at the mercy of all these chemicals. I have always been very compliant. Never went off my meds or anything like that. But I am afraid of destabilizing if I go off anything at this point. She said my brain is a ticking time bomb and any slight change will make me worse. Ugh