Oh my! Yes, I know exactly how you feel. Trust me! I''m not the heaviest person in my family...I'm the second heaviest. I used to be the smallest!! While I was on my medications for a few years, I packed on a good 50 lbs. That's 60 lbs since my hubby and I started dating. I was a size 2 - 4. My heaviest was 197lbs. I knew something had to change because even with all of my efforts, the medication that was supposed to help stabilize my moods, was not letting me lose weight or maintain. I made a choice, and I'm not saying this is for everyone. I went off my meds. Carefully under the supervision of my T and Dr. I knew I was ready to try and conquer my moods on my own. Since coming off the medication 1 year and 7 months ago, I have gone down to 173. This is without ANY change of diet or changes in my physical activity. I'm still the second heaviest, I hate pictures of myself...but I often wonder to myself "If I hate it this much, why wouldn't I try and do something about it?" I tell myself, "You've overcame so many struggles, found a way to deal with your mood and bring it back up, found a way to beat the demons and be happy because I WANTED IT!...so do I want to be thin again? Absolutely!! Do I want it THAT badly? I guess not because otherwise I would take a real effort to do it...which I am working on as of late. It feels good. I feel better when I know I'm eating cleaner and when I'm doing yoga or going for walks or a hike. Those thing make me feel good. I also practice meditation. It allows my body to relax so deeply that it will just do it's thing without trying to work around any stress. Kinda like bringing it back to homeostatsis so it can function like it needs to. I drink plenty of water. I don't count calories as I've just learned to listen to my body's queues in what it needs and what it doesn't. If something I eat doesn't make me feel good on a physiological aspect, I won't eat it again. For example, milk. It makes me feel like crud if I eat or drink anything with lactose in it. I had never put the pieces together before, but I now know that I have a sensitivity to lactose. I drink Almond Milk and I drink it on a daily basis. Since incorporating this ONE single item into my diet and taking away anything with milk, I've dropped 8lbs in 2 months. Again, without any changes other than that.

I've grown so very much emotionally, spiritually, and also understanding on a physical aspect these past couple of years and I'm sending good vibes your way. Keep your chin up