I have a pdoc, I have a diagnosis, I have a treatment plan.

It all seems so unreal after the long, weary months of slogging through this without access to specialist care. I just hope that this change of fortune continues.

I have a follow up appointment in a month, when the pdoc will do a proper med review. She didn't do that today as my intolerances are complex and she wants to research the options before playing side effect roulette. Fair enough, I'm glad to be taken seriously, especially as meds are only part of the answer.

The diagnosis is unsurprisingly MDD (treatment resistant). She discussed Bipolar II, family history, my sometimes impulsive / reckless behaviour and episodes of high-functioning, high-achievement are inconclusive pointers to this. She would need to see a hypomanic episode to make that diagnosis.

My treatment plan is one to one support at the local community resource centre, initially just for support with the sui ideation, so that I can feel safe and confident in my ability to stay safe. Once that is sorted I have the option to go back into CBT or to look at more intensive talking therapies.

So now I just have to hope that all these plans hold together and aren't subject to the usual communication breakdowns and staff change lotteries. Like I said, I find it impossible to believe that this is for real, I'm sure I'm going to wake up back where I was. However, my overwhelming emotion right now is relief.