Well, I've hit another low point. This one was triggered by life events that are completely out of my control.....my nursing career is over and I can't find any kind of job, I'm running out of unemployment benefits, and my husband and I are going to have to move in with our son or else become homeless. We also have to give up our three cats and go through 34 years of belongings to see what we can put in storage and what has to go.

This is SO not a good time to be depressed, but I can't seem to stop crying and I'm wishing there were a way out. I'm not sui, although I did have a really bad day this week when I was glad my husband is the only one who knows where the big bottle of Ativan is. I've OD'd on it before, once, but that wasn't a suicide attempt---I'd have taken a lot more than I did if I'd wanted to die. I don't want to die. I just want to not have my entire life fall apart the way it is, but I can't stop it.

My pdoc is aware of the way I'm feeling and will increase the Lamictal if I feel I need it. I can't go up on the AD because it throws me into mania at higher doses. I really don't want to fool around with the meds, they've worked well for months, and this is all situational anyway. I guess I just need to vent to people who understand.....my family and friends are great but none of them are BP. They don't even know what clinical depression is like. I've been virtually useless in getting stuff packed and my poor husband with cancer is doing 98% of it, which makes me feel guilty on top of everything else.

That's my story. Sorry to be Debbie Downer but I really needed to get that out of my system. Thanks for any support you can give me.