No matter how hard I try, I don't like myself... I feel like I have some sort of evil inside me that poisons those around me.

Today I found out that the two people that I have been helping and mentoring at work have some serious issues, one, who I really like and works directly for me found out while I was gone she has a brain tumor.. slow growing, not sure if it malignant or not, but her husband is being asked to come home from overseas.

The other, apparently her husband got arrested for hitting her... she is struggling... both work for me and both are people I care about and have been trying to help....

No matter how hard I try, I feel like the people around me are poisoned by me..... like everyone I try and help or touch... I hurt some how.. I know that is unrealistic thinking... but that is how I feel

that is what I was told when I was little, that I was evil and bad... thus why things had to happen to remove the evil.... I have tried to live a good life and do nothing but support and love people... I am the 'stable' person in my family... if you knew my family... that would be a scary thought...

I don't want to hurt anyone, just help them... I try to be a good person and live a good life..

Tonight, I am sad.. probably just a after effect of visiting my family... and trying to get back in a routine..

I saw my T tonight, she was yawning and stifling a yawn half of our session.... I actually like her, and it has taken her a year to build my trust enough to start working on issues.... but I pick up on peoples cues.. (a lot of people say I am good at reading people, I guess I am, because I can be a really good sales person, picking up on peoples cues and body language).. I am not saying she was bored with me, but she is tired, I felt like I was just burdening her telling her how my trip went... she wanted to know if it was healing or not... I guess part of it was healing, for my family, but not necessarily for me. I am the person they look to for stability, love, maturity and keeping my family together... that is my job..... and I did it... One day I look back and think I was really happy, but I can't feel that happiness any longer... it's just gone..

I am sorry I am sounding pitiful again... I just feel empty... I feel alone and I feel like I screw up everything....

I shouldn't feel this way, I have lots to be happy for, I just am tired again... very .. very ... tired.