I just feel that way. I probably have no right to feel that way. I just feel like I should not exist. I don't belong anywhere and I never will belong anywhere.

What triggered that feeling tonight was the neighbor's dog coming into my yard and barking at my kids. When I went outside it barked at me too (second time in my yard after being called back once). Same neighbors who had a chihuahua cross when we moved here, that thought it owned our driveway and front lawn and attacked my kids and dogs if we they were out there. The chihuahua got aggressive with my dogs a while back when the kids had the dogs out in our backyard walking them, and the chihuahua lost when our dogs pulled away from the kids and defended their family (still in our back yard). They replaced it with a labrador/husky or chow puppy, which is growing up fast and starting to do the same thing. Neither of us have fence all the way around yet, but their dogs are always out (loose - they have a doggie door), and ours only go outside on leashes. We don't even take them out and play catch in the yard because they would call and get them impounded (once when we weren't home our back door came open somenhow and another neighbor said our dogs came out and sat on our back deck, and one went back in the house, and within 10 minutes animal control was here and baited them back out to take them), but their dog wanders free and they lie and say that our dogs are the ones running loose. I need to get a fence, but I am resenting that I can't go outside and play with my dogs because of dishonest irresponsible neighbors.

So, I called animal control and they were closed for the night, so I called the sherrif's department (the after hours number on the recording) and they said it wasn't an emergency if the neighbors are home and could put their dog inside, so call in the morning. Yeah, they could but they won't. I can't call in the morning - I have to go to work.

Essentially I am now suspecting that I am being punished for not being able to stay home all day like the neighbor can. And I can't - I tried that until it just about killed me.

Now I'm having this whole chain reaction involving my whole life - always being the new kid and not being significant enough for anyone to care or include me or help me or notice that I needed help. Nobody knows me here.

And I feel bad because I heard from a friend who also goes to my T that T's dog had cancer and she was going to have to have her put down soon (there's the dog connection), and I'm sad that T doesn't tell me things like this but emails her other client and tells her. There are more similar stories where I hear about what is happening with T through my friend, and T says nothing to me. I'm currently not supposed to email T at all, but I'm wondering if it would be okay to send a sympathy note, except that I don't have enough information. I'm also worried that I won't be able to talk to T about what I need to at my next session because she will be sad or will care more about the dog or about someone else than she does about me, and probably should because why should anyone care about me anyway?

There's more 'evidence' that T cares more about others than about me. Once I was driving out for an appointment and almost there when I got a voicemail from T that she had double-booked and couldn't reschedule the other person because the other person was in trouble and not doing well, even though I was driving a long way and had the appointment first (the other person no-showed, so I didn't lose any time other than waiting out in my car because I didn't get the second message about the no-show) (and T was very apologetic about it in the first message) but I was distracted wondering if T was worrying about the other client during my session. And last Fall I was suicidal and hadn't seen T in person for like 3 months, and email wasn't working and I was desperate and told T that I'd drop everything any time if she had a cancellation, and not long after that my friend who is also a client told me that she was getting an extra session (she had seen T within the week) because T offered her an appointment that someone cancelled.

All this triggered from the neighbor's dog coming into my yard. I'm feeling pretty second-rate and insignificant overall.