My problem is that I have no idea where to look for these "men". The online world has changed significantly in terms of online dating. Very few quality partners are out there it seems, in terms of the ration of jerks to gents.

Unfortunately, I do not have much going for me at present. I am ill in so many ways it makes me sick to my stomach. There are times I just cannot forgive myself for all these crisis in my life. It's either my direct fault for not being good enough, hard working enough, etc, or the problem is linked to family or past friends who either are no longer in my life, or no longer care.

Misery does not love company. In the length of my homelessness, then college life and illness, I have lost pretty much all but one or two friends. Family is out of province, and dysfunctional at best, so I had to pretty much get myself through all this message on pity and guilt trips. Needless to say, the same extended family that came to cook me a meal or two, I never heard from again.

I think for myself as well, there's a certain amount of self loathing and a complete loss of self worth through this entire process. I've gone through most of my life not feeling even human, so this entire experience has been difficult to take. To this day, emotional detachment and dehumanization is something I deal with on a daily basis. Sometimes I see people on the bus, and am more interested in who humans are as a species. I often have to remind myself that I am one.

There are no government covered T in my area. Private practice costs money, and right now I'm living off of a credit card as disability takes too long to process, and I cannot seem to get in contact with the welfare program in my district no matter how hard or how many phone calls I make.

Sometimes I feel like Job - and my life was designed to see how much I can withstand before I end it. Every dream. Every bit of passion in my life has been shattered. There's nothing left to live for. Yes, I am depressed. No, the meds are not working, it would seem.