Last night I was working (waiting tables) and I had what I can only think was an anxiety attack. It lasted for a few hours. I was dizzy, suicidal, angry at co-workers, forgetful with my tables (which I never am). I still have no idea how I made it through. The place was so busy there was no way I could leave. I told the staff I was just feeling dizzy and not well and had them pick up some of my slack. In retrospect it is a very good thing I was unable to leave bc I think I would have hurt myself.

My husband is very x+y=z and when I told him about last night he just wanted to know what caused it. I keep telling him that nothing specific "causes" these moods and he doesn't agree. I told him last night how I was going to hurt myself and he just wanted to figure out the cause. If I had cancer would he say "well, the tumor came back, we figure out why, and you fix that".

I have never had a public episode like last night- I am always able to hold myself together in public. I had a xanax with me but I didn't take it bc I figured I deserved the pain. I am so fed up with my husband. I know he loves me but I think I could have a gun to my head and he would want to get pen and paper and figure it out rationally.