Why do you think you deserve the pain? I take klonipin for anxiety and panic I used to push it and not take it. When I told my doctor that she asked "why would you do that to yourself? The reason you have this medication is to alleviate that pain." You don't deserve that kind of pain. I've had panic anxiety attacks and it's so hard to fight through and hold it together. Sometimes it's hard for people who don't live with the illness to understand, they want concrete black and white answers and explanations but it's not how the illness works. I've had the same situation before. It is difficult to explain the experience of anxiety when they haven't themselves. I hope you're feeling better today.