i am having a hard time coming to terms with what happened to me.
still at the age of 21, i can not move on, or even begin to forget what they put me through. Well I think It's safe to say I will never forget.
My trauma didn't start hitting me really hard until I sobered up, and found out I was pregnant. I worry sometimes how i will act as a mother, If I do wind up having a little girl. How will I ever trust men around my child?

wanting revenge. wanting closure. wanting to see them suffer emotionally like I did.

I worry if he ever has children down the line. I worry that I wasn't first, or the last. I feel a cloud of overwhelming shame and guilt storm over me. I should have pressed charges. I should have pressed charges.

I will never understand how they both got away with what they have done to me. or How one could make a sick twisted game out of his perverted ways. How could someone act like the hero of the night, after taking advantage of an underaged blackout drunk girl. It has played over and over again in my head. Some people are just monsters.

After I was sexually abused as a little girl, I lost apart of myself. That i know I may never get back. Recovery feels like a long distance to go. I grew up feeling like all i was to men was a piece of meat. and they threw out my bones in the trash when they were done with me.

I always felt dirty, disgusting, like something was wrong with my me. I hated looking at myself naked. even if it was just looking at myself in mirror after my shower. I never pieced everything together. I was always an incomplete puzzle. I couldn't even figure myself out. I couldn't figure out why I felt the way i did about myself. Why i hated myself so god damn much. and then I realized I've hated myself because of how others have treated me. I started to believe I deserved all the abuse. I believed I was useless.

I am trying to forgive my mother for not being there for me.
I am trying to forgive myself for how I treated myself after all was said and done.