It could be that he just genuinely doesn't know what to do or say anymore - 20 years and a lot of difficulties can lead to that sort of thing. But he has no right to say; 'I want the old you back.' You're NOT the old you anymore; you've raised a family, you've had to deal with your own personal issue as well as the ones within your marriage and it sounds like you've had to do a lot of it inwardly and by yourself. You have every right to feel supported and validated. I don't know whether re-framing your sort of questions would help, like; 'This is really concerning me and as i want to be a better person i'd really appreciate your input.' But if you're already doing that and couples counselling isn't setting things straight either i think you need to have a really serious talk with him. I mean at the end of the day this issue is serious enough for you to have come on the internet seeking advice so maybe it's time to sit him down, acknowledge that things have been difficult for a long time but that the only way for things to improve and to continue improving is to work together - you can't be expected to keep facing tough issues alone. That's not what marriage is about. I hope you can successfully readjust your expectations of each other - you need to know the right time to approach him for specific problems and he needs to know when his input is genuinely desired and when he needs to supportive at more of a distance. Good luck to you both.