I am 19. I have severe depression, PTSD, Eating disorder and I have been self harming for like 6 years. For a really long time I wanted to stop and I tried to get help but my parents stopped me.
Now I am older and although I am on meds and in counseling, I dont want to give up cutting/burning. I like it. It is a crutch I rely on and I value it more than most things in my life. I am and want to get help for most of my issues. I am working hard on my eating disorder behavior and my social anxiety. I am working on repressed memories and assaults. But I don't want to give up my SI and I don't even want to talk about it.
I am ashamed that i love it so much. I feel guilty that I am keeping such a big secret from everyone (other than my counselors everyone thinks I have stopped and "dont do that anymore") and that I have alternative coping mechanisms but I am choosing to do what i want instead of what is healthy.
I don't really ever discuss it in therapy and if it is brought up by my T I downplay what I do and get off the subject as quickly as possible. And sometimes I lie. And I don't mean to be bad and lie. But I do. I don't even really think about it till after.
I am just scared. I don't even want to think about it. How disgusting is it that what I want, what makes me happy is 2nd or 3rd degree burns that I have inflicted. How is it that those or an xacto is my greatest sense of comfort. How sick is that? I am asking that rhetorically. But this is really bugging me and I can't bear to discuss it without anonymity.
I don't know what to do - but I don't want to stop.