I am a bit confused... This is only my second post but I am at a loss, and I may reveal things I have NEVER TOLD ANYONE! EVER!! I am very introverted but this forum seems so safe to me I feel I can finally talk and be completely honest about my issues about this. I thank you all ahead of time for reading, I don't feel so alone now reading other's threads! <3 I do hope I can help others here, as well...

Ok, I have a sexual identity issue, I don't know if i'm actually bi or what... I have recently 'separated' from my husband but it was a long time coming, so I don't feel as emotional as I think I should feel... the separation had nothing to do with sexuality, just his narcissism, lol.. I've had a LOT of experiences of choosing the wrong men, both ex marriages were with NPD's, and I have this emotional block where I feel men just like to manipulate me or rip me off, cheat, etc... I don't know if this is part of that, but I guess that's why I'm confused.

Anyway, I have met someone at my daughter's nursery recently, in the last 2 weeks similar to me who is this really awesome hippy girl, she's kind of in a bad relationship, as well, and has admitted to loving women in conversation I guess you could say - likes women more than men, but is in a relationship with a man. I think she may have a small crush on me but it wasn't until she was talking about her past relationships with women compared to her current one with a guy that I started thinking about the possibility of exploring this with her.. Let me just say I have always LOVED men, I love sex with men, I've only ever had relationships with men, BUT my first kiss was with a girl at 12, and my first, second and third make-out session between 12-14 were with girls..

I was not abused as a child per se, but I have always been a sexual being, but introverted and almost prude-ish, never acted them out unless I was with a friend who liked kissing and cuddling, (never sex), and not that often, mostly at sleep overs. I always assumed it was experimentation as we were either not old enough, or hadn't had boyfriends yet... There was even a sleep over where 4 of us made out and I realized I instigated it. Fast forward maybe about 7 years, I was a girly girl(still am), and my boyfriend and I 'at the time' (around 21 yrs old) had made friends with another couple. This girl was 18 and very open with me about her crush on me, she tried to manipulate situations to where I believed my bf was cheating, (but wasn't) and I stopped talking to her... thing is, looking back at my relationship with that boyfriend at the time, I regret actually not taking her up on her advances, but I was uncomfortable then. I did let her kiss me and my neck, but I was going through break-up emotions so I stopped her... I've never stopped thinking about that missed opportunity even now. When I was 23 (I'm 39 now O_O) I had another friend who had a job selling sex toys, lol... she was 'straight' w/ a boyfriend, so was I and we all would hang out and look at the catalogs(I was still with the same boyfriend from the earlier story). We were friends for a few years. Then, that boyfriend & I broke up, and my they decided we'd party to celebrate my freedom... Of course, we all got drunk and by the end of the night she and I were being coaxed by her boyfriend to make out after I said I liked looking at the pictures in his Playboy magazines that were in his apartment, (which I was embarrassed, but still did it cause I was a bit tipsy... I did like kissing her but felt a little ashamed because her boyfriend was there and also half of my family is catholic, etc... 'guilt'.) She tried to take my bottoms off but I was too scared, again, because her boyfriend was there... I didn't do anything but kiss her, but she was asking me ''Didn't you ever want to know what it would feel like to be with a woman?'' But, like always when I'm out of my comfort zone, I ended up chickening out and just kissing her while they did their thing. I regretted the whole night and felt weird for a month or so, then I was actually glad I was there as we had so much fun leading up to that. I now don't regret doing the 'facilitating' at all with them, they are still my friends, but I regret not being ''with'' her. To me this feels weird to my own idea of 'who' I am or who I 'thought' I was as a 'straight' woman... I'm still trying to figure this one out, sometimes I'm sure, then sometimes I question.

In my early years I always knew I'd get married, have kids, etc., but I still had many, many, MANY fantasies about women.. well, lots of men too, but 'mostly' women. Stranger still, I don't have these fantasies if I am happy in my relationships with men, or if I've been too long out of a relationship with a man and that's another weird thing and is why I am totally confused now... If I've been broken up with I can be utterly convinced that I'm bisexual or gay. I get the whole 'I hate men' emotions and start identifying myself TO myself as gay or bisexual, then I feel great, like 'Finally!'... it only lasts for about a week, then I think in my head, 'What? I am NOT even bisexual!' to myself and the physical attraction to the same sex just totally STOPS.. I just don't understand.

Getting back to current time, it's happening again, and I want to know my self for sure. I can't stop thinking about my new 'friend'. We are always excited, giddy girly girls when we see each other, like sisters, and I don't want to ruin this friendship but if I did start anything with this girl I think I'd be afraid I couldn't get out of it because of my separation, and having 2 kids and not wanting to confuse them, then her freaking out and getting hurt, my intense homosexual feelings, then my homosexual repulsion, blahblahblah... emotional turmoil.

I've already been dealing with panic attacks and PTSD from living with a Narcissistic husband(now ex).. It just seems like a bad idea to try and have 'an experience' when I've only just broken up with my husband, but I don't want another regret. My fantasies are going overboard and I want to expand my experiences outside of my comfort zone and she won't leave my mind. Does this just sound like rebound thinking talking? It's so soon (we separated Monday) I want to tell her or bring it up in conversation... Could I actually really just be bisexual and afraid to admit it to myself? I don't know if I could even 'fall in love' with her either... and if I can't or don't, I don't want a huge drama mess I can't get out of. I'm going crazy.