this is the only place i could think to post this...... really need to get it out.....

i had this friend for most of my life, i'll call him k. we grew up together, our moms were good friends. he was a few years older than me, and always looked out for me. he was the one who would hold me and let me cry after my mom died, and the one who always told me i was special and worthwhile. i always had a crush on him. well, he went to africa with the peace corps, and right before he left he told me he'd always had a thing for me too. he said he'd be back..... but he started working with aids orphans and eventually opened a safehouse in lesotho. africa became his home. the other day i emailed him for the first time in a few years and got a reply yesterday. turns out he got married last year. i actually cried when i read that. i started to reply and found it very hard to say congratulations. i ended up scrapping the email. i know this is selfish and i hate myself for that selfishness, bu i can't help it. he was the closest i ever had to love, and i know that i'll never find anotther guy as good as him, who knows me and all my problems and loves me for me anyway. i want to be happy for him, and stay in touch with him but it hurts alot. even though i havent seen him in 7 years or talked to him in 2, he's always been there in my heart. hearing that hegot married makes me feel like there's no hope for me, like i'm just gonna be alone forever. i hate that feeling, and i hate myself for being sadder for myself than i am happy for him. it just really hurts.