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I start hitting the bottle hard at 15 years old. when the weekend came around I was black out drunk spending the night in jail, or the emergency room . I had a hard time dealing with my life. My bestfriend was sick with cancer. She had a brain tumour that was quickly spreading through out her whole body, and making her dealthy ill. I drank to deal with the pain. I remember the exact day I found out she had died. I was running away from home at the time, and when I went back home, my mother started screaming at me, and I just cried and said "emily died" my mother stopped screaming and said "oh my god I'm so sorry" I was numb for weeks. I couldn't feel anything. I was in complete shock. She was one of the few friends I had growing up.
Around the same time all that happened, I was sexually abused at a party. I was black out drunk in a basement naked, and someone i barely knew had his way with me. I was only 15, and he was in his early 20s. Him and his friend urinated on me after I had puked everywhere and was put in the tub, after I was raped. he made me the laughing stalk of the city. They made up rumours making me sound horrible, blamed me for what he did to me. Said i was asking for it, and I was all for it.
I was too humilated to even bother pressing charges at the time. I felt like no one would even believe me. and in a way I started believing I deserved it. I started drinking to the point I could barely even walk, or see. Guys took advantage of me. and I stopped caring about myself. and quickly started to destruct. I was out of control. I drank whatever I could get my hands on. This continued for a few years. I was barely ever sober unless I no choice to be (no money, friends weren't drinking, or I was in jail) I started picking getting drunk over my education, started dating men who were wrong for me, older than me, and drank even more than I did.
I eventually ended up running away to bigger city that was half way across the country at the age of 17. I had a warrant for my arrest, for breach of probation. I was gone for a year. and in that year I drank heavily. I barely ate, started smoking crack, and lost so much weight, my appreance completely changed. My step dad came to pick me up, to drive me back home so I could turn myself in, and get my warrant over with. He didn't even recognize me as I walked over to his car. when I sat in the front sea t all he did was cry. and then he asked me repeatedly If I was using heroin, and wouldn't believe me when I told him I have never done it.
I had to go to court for my breach. they sentenced me to 9 months open custody, and 3 months community supervision.
I ended up getting out earlier on good behaviour. I completely turned my life around when I was In open custody. I got a job, starting working out, I was still a heavy smoker, but quit the booze, but drank on a couple of occasions (when I knew I would get away with it) After I got out I was on house arrest. Literally the day I got off house arrest I went over to a friends house ( a girl I became close to in open custody) and drank whiskey, and did a deadly amount of coke, and had sex with her older brother. After that night, I started spiraling out of control again.
I eventually ended up with an ex who was a heavy drinker. quit my job, moved in with him, and started drinking pretty much every day. I was a crazy drunk.... just like my grandfather. One was never enough. I drank when I was angry, when I was sad, when I was happy, and it didnt matter what kind of mood I was in, If alcohol was there, I was drinking it. I would act completely irrational sometimes delusional when I was drinking. It didn't take much for me to snap out.
Alcohol has winded me up on streets, shelters, in jail, I have hurt the ones I have loved the most, and more importantly I have hurt myself.
I have slept with men I would never even be interested in speaking to sober. I have made so many stupid, violent, implusive choices in my life because of booze. Yet I kept going back to it, knowing all of this.
I have embrassed myself. Falling down the stairs at house parties intoxicated in front of crowds of people, making out with strangers at sleazly bars, trying to fight bouncers at a show for kicking me out for being too drunk, flashing my breasts on stage, and the list goes on and on and on.
I always thought well maybe just a few. but it was never just a couple of drinks. especially If I went to the bar. I would flirt with guys thinking I was interested just to milk them for free drinks, and dip as soon as I had the drink in my hand. I would hang out with people for the sole reason they had money to buy alcohol, or were providing alcohol.
I don't even want to know how much money I have had spent on alcohol myself. When I was staying in a shelter, and working. I literally blew all my money on alcoho, and smokes. I would get all dolled up, and go to the bar across the street for karoake night, and wind up leaving with a few guys numbers. I literally chose booze over housing. & I hated that shelter. I wanted nothing more to get out of there, and have a place to call home. Yet I had no problem blowing all my money on alcohol.
I seriously need help. I already started seeing a counsellor. but I think I should start going to Alcoholics Anonymous Meetings.
As much as I look back and realize all the damage alcohol has caused me, I still crave it. A part of me still wishes I was out tonight getitng wasted, and socializing. The worst part Is now I'm pregnant. So I feel an overwhelming sense of shame for even thinking about booze.
As much I hate admitting this at times, I drank knowing I was pregnant. I quit without any support. I used to binge a lot. I have literally put my baby at harms risk for a liquid effin substance. It's been really hard to stay sober. I try to think of my baby. At the time I was going through so much, it was mind of matter. I just hope my baby comes out healthy. I know there is nothing I can do know besides pray, and I know there's a risk for F.A.S.D but I will still love my child regardless.
It's been really hard not beating myself up over it. I honestly don't even know what i would do if my child came out with any health problems relating to my addictions, because I know I would be the only one to blame. I hate how ignorant some people are. They make it seem like I drank because I just didn't care about my baby, and I could have quit if i really wanted to. Like it's just a bad habit. It was an addiction, and I still battle with it every day of my life. Now childrens aid society is involved, because they know I drank in the beginning of my pregnancy. I was honest with them, and told them I did, but I have quit.
I am terrified of relasping again. I have literally isolated myself from almost everyone in fear that if I am around the wrong person, I will have a drink, and it will start alll over again.
I don't want my drinking to affect my baby, or my parenting once he/she is born.
I'm hoping the weekly appointment with my new counsellor who actually works in the buliding will help me gain the strength to remain sober.
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