I have lost my grand father that was my protector when I was young, both my best friends, a brother that took his own life, a daughter, a co-worker that was a wonderful young man and a girl that that adopted me as a "mom" when her mom turned her back on her. I can't handle anymore loss.

Right now life is beating me down, I want to throw in the towel. But if I continue to live then live is going to beat me anyway because my time is limited. So why do I stay around knowing that I am going to die anyway? What is the difference between me ending it or moving to a state where there is a die with dignity law? I don't see a difference. My downward spiral is spinning out of control at this point and I can't get it to stop spinning.

As far as me leaving my husband ASAP? Abuse is all that I have known all my life. He is calm compared to everything else I have faced. It is not easy to leave the love of your life after 20 years. I know that it would help my mood, however I know that I will not make it on my own. At least this way he will get my insurance money to pay off the house and whatever else he wants or needs to do. Right now I think I am as low as I can get. All that I can do is cry and pray that I don't have to wake up to another day like I have had today. I can't do these days anymore