I don't understand it at times, and sometimes, I feel like the term and the stigma doesn't help me. I'm not sexually addicted I get paranoid, because not because if I have a problem or not, I know I do, but I'm paranoid people are going to make any excuse to say I have a sexual addiction I should shun and hate myself because of my sexual fantasies or how I perceive sex and myself.

I seriously feel like, people don't want me here and I don't feel loved or wanted, it's like my body always has a bad itch to need sex. I don't get it, I'm sexually frustrated and I don't want to take it out on anyone if I meet someone I like and consent to having sex with them. I feel like everyone is so hard on me about it, my mom is the reason I'd rather die being called a "man*****" "slut" so on to something I'm comfortable with than being content not having it.

I don't know if this means I have an addiction or not. It pisses me off, I was raped a lot, I can't help it. I hate having to hold it back so much where I live. I hate people. I hate this whole stupid system that's impractical. I don't belong here and I don't feel like I should be loved because that's the signals I get all the time.

I feel like if I have to be attractive I have to work out a lot. I won't eat anymore, I'm going to use laxatives to make sure everything is out of my system. I really can't eat food. I want to be skinny and perfect. I'm not fat, but I can look better if I loose a lot more weight. I'm only 160 something lbs from losing over 70 from this year alone. I plan on losing more and more weight. I want to get under a 100 again like I was when I was getting attention from females. I want to be petite and small again. I just want to be good enough and look attractive enough. I take a lot of time to make myself look good. I shouldn't be called a guy. I think I'm a girl, I should of been born one because how I react. I wish I was, because I couldn't do it, being a guy sucks for me.

I don't want to hear how the benefits are for guys. I know them, I'm tired of it. I'm really sad all the time, and recently been depressed again. Doing my hardest not to eat anymore, because I want to feel like someone likes me for me. Someone isn't going to treat me like I'm a used toy or rag and someone doesn't want to use me and tell me how worthless I am because I'm not black, or super muscular than I already am, or I'm good at sex or whatever. I don't know why people really do say this stuff to me who I date, I just want to be a girl so people give me attention. I hate this tough guy ****, I don't find it attractive I find arrogance is what people are into stupid people that's all. I don't feel smarter than them I feel just below them worthless. That I should lose more weight because I don't look good enough.

I hate faking it I hate this. I hate this female privilege. I want to have it too, I hate being born like I'm a failure. I just want to be a girl, so I can have all the sex I want, love my body image and do what I do as a guy, but in the right body. I want to express more openly as a girl I'm comfortable liking guys and girls. That I can do what I want sexually without being a creep or whatever. I hate this. It may come off as ignorant, but I'm just relaying what's been done and told to me. I would be free for once to be open with a voice. As a guy I have no voice, but as a woman. I would be able to make my voice louder than already what I do now. I'm comfortable with my sexuality, but as a guy I'm always assumed it's unreal and get over it. If I was a girl, I'd be told the same thing, but a lot less and I would have the opportunities to get what I want sexually and emotionally if I had the right body.

That's why I hate myself, I'm not that. People have their problems, I don't think it's the standard or should be personally, but it's how I'm being treated so I don't have a say in the matter.

Should I even bother with this? Do I have a true addiction? because I don't know and I want to see if everyone is trying to challenge me on how wrong my existence is and that I shouldn't feel the way I feel.