I was reading an article earlier on pyschcentral called "Are You A Love Addict? 5 Signs You Simply Can't Ignore"
Everything in that article was relateable to some degree or another.

#1. Attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable and abusive- I Actually made a post earlier asking why I always attract the wrong kind of guy . After reading this article It has me wondering if maybe it's not about what I'm attracting, rather what Kind of men I'm going for. I usually wind up with the same kind of guy. hard headed, bitter, anger problems, drinking problem, low self esteem, withdrawn kind of guy. I always end up resenting them, because I'm asking for something, they don't have to offer... and that would be emotional support.

#2. Abandonment of the self- this is a huge one for me. I always seem to lose myself when things start getting serious with someone. I will center my whole world around them. I'll forget to take care of myself. I won't pamper myself like I used to, or do the things I used to do. I kind of stop caring about staying in contact with friends, and going out and making new ones. I spend all my time and energy, and emotions on them. that if we end up splitting up, my whole world will feel like it's crumbling around me, and I'll feel empty.

#3. Self-destructive behaviors- i would always drink a lot. That my poison. It would help numb my emotional pain. Not feeling pretty enough for him. Not feeling skinny enough. Just not feeling good enough in general. When I would feel lonely in the relationship, booze was my lover.

#4. Pattern of caustic attachments - I was always bad for jumping from one relationship to another with the same kind of guy. I once got with a guy when I was stable, and happy to try and fix him. In the end his bad habits, and addictions rubbed off on me, and I ended up exactly where he was. I learned that you can't fix men over the years. Even if they do change, they're doing it for you, not themselves. which usually results in resentment, and hostility towards you. even if you were "just trying to help them " . I would have almost like emotional withdrawl symptoms from my relationships, such as depression and anxiety. And just like the article said "These symptoms are only cured when a new love obsession replaces the old". Instead of getting over the relationship. I would be busy getting drowning my sorrows in alcohol, and trying to replace the ex.

I'm starting to realize my bad patterns as I get older. I'm starting to realize a lot of these behaviours were because I didn't love myself enough to be able to tolerate being single, and on my own. I couldn't depend on me. I had to be dependant on other men to make me feel beautiful, happy, stable, and secure. It was a vicious cycle, of relationships that went nowhere, and usually ended horribly. In a way I was using them for my own emotional needs. Maybe that's why it was so easy for me to hurt them. even If i did love them. If my needs weren't being met, in a way they were a waste of my time.

I really enjoyed reading that article because It helped opened my eyes a bit. I guess it was always easier blaming in it on men, and not meeting the right ones. I guess for now I'm going to try to continue being okay with being single. It does get lonely at times, but I know I can't get with someone, just to forget about my own problems, and distract myself with theirs.