It's after 7:00 AM, and I have not slept all night. My nerves are going and I could not seem to find sleep. My thoughts feel they are being pulled far away from me, and I feel scared. I can hear screams deep within that I cannot turn off, that no one else can hear. I felt a touch last night across my back, I could not cover up well enough to stop that feeling. I was scared to move, scared to look, and my scream was within that would not ever come out.

Shadows on the wall seemed to stare at me, wanting to pull the covers over my face but too afraid to not see what may be there lurking within the darken shadows. I couldn't see my door, it was as if it was gone, and I felt trapped. Nothing was on the walls around me, they were white, except the shadows, somewhere so known, yet unknown to myself as me.

I turned on my TV, it was enough light to see and get to my computer, it was 3:30 AM, and I didn't move again until it started to get light out. I've felt so cold that I could not find warmth but a different kind of cold; a cold I cannot put into words. I felt myself shiver and tears falling down my face. But what was I crying about? What am I still crying about?

But I know somewhere, I can feel it as though I should. The feeling of them is there but it is day now. They should be gone but they still linger somewhere close yet distant. The night is gone, I have opened my curtains, but still something is lingering and pulling at me deep, and I want to run.

I could see things in the shadows that terrified me yet I felt as though I was trying to run away but not getting anywhere. It felt as if everywhere I ran it beat me there. Laughing at me and my fear. How can one run when they are sitting? A strange feeling, yet known; as if I ran somewhere, in my mind, anywhere to get away. But I really never got away. Some part of me was there, some part of me knows.

I felt as though I was reaching down, somewhere above trying to type. But the writing is gone, as if I never wrote anything. My angel, my friends picture, my safe pillow case, surrounding me. I should feel safe, but though they are surrounding me, I don't feel or find safety. It feels it left me, they left me. They couldn't be there, they never were.

And Raggedy, we hid her under the covers, that feeling that she would be taken, ripped to pieces; our doll was ripped to pieces, ripped to pieces just like a part of me was. And it hurts. My mind hurts. I don't want to remember, I want to run...just run. It's foggy but seems I see shadowy figures in my mind. A little girl, but I don't want her to be me. I just don't. PLEASE.

I got dressed at the light of day, but I don't remember doing it. Wanting to leave, afraid to go. Where would I go anyways? I know I did things this morning, but I cannot remember, but some part of me does. Some part of me can do what needs to be done, do it better than me, yet it is me somewhere. I'm drinking coffee, but I don't remember making it, but I had to have, it cannot make itself. Cigarettes, smoked, I don't remember, but I had to have smoked them.

Now sitting here trying to type, still I feel I am in a fog, spinning and leaning to the side, but I am sitting up straight. My arms feel backwards again, and I feel as though I have been beaten and I hurt. I know I am typing, I can see it, black on white going across the screen. This fear should be gone, it's light now, the night is gone. But still it lingers, it still pulls at my mind, it still feels too close.

I'm afraid to read what is typed above, I can't. Time, it is not my friend. I need to go with it, I need to go forward, for it has felt I was going counter clock wise at a speed I could not stop. I feel too far away to find now. But yet time keeps moving forward, I just cannot catch up. I'm trying. It won't leave me; this feeling, this pain, this fear. It is there, and I am still screaming somewhere within this fog.

I'm trying to be strong. I am trying to tell myself to turn back, almost feel myself screaming it. It feels strange. I feel as though I am typing but there has been times where I am just staring at this screen. I am trying to pull thoughts from my mind, but they feel too scared to be known. But yet they have filled this screen, I just don't remember.

I feel afraid someone is laughing, or will laugh, that someone is going to be mad and angry, that no one is going to care. My head hurts. My fear lingers. And I feel exhausted, just exhausted. It's almost 9:00 AM, the phone rang almost an hour ago. My t is not going to be there today. Two weeks now he has been gone, and I am trying to be strong, brave, and keep it together. It's been really hard.

I feel this sense of dizzy, my head hurts. I need to be okay, to pull myself together and be strong. I will. I have to. I need to close this. I don't know why, but a feeling of fear of getting in trouble. In trouble with who? I am not sure, the feeling is just there. I need to not cry anymore. I need to push this all away, just push it all away. I don't want to know anymore. It hurts enough just the feelings and senses I have.

That little girl is back there, within the shadows, in the fog, in the terror and cold. Some part of me can still sense her and that closeness I was at just hours ago. I don't want to see her, I don't want to reach her, I just want it to go away. PLEASE.

My angel stone, my picture of my friend, my safe pillow case, I see them now. I need them, I'm so glad they did not leave, at least not the things. My room is back, the door is there, the things on the wall, the TV still on. Day is finally catching up to the light it brings; the light that was there hours before but seemed too far away from where i was.

The feelings still linger close, I can feel it, those within the shadows and fog still linger within the lingering feelings. I can still sense them, too close I fear. The day noises I hear them now, the trash truck outside, the bang of the trash bin and trash being put into the truck, the music playing on the TV, the tap of these keys. I feel myself breathing for the first time, but my head, it still hurts. And the memories are still within the lingering feelings, though farther away, but still close enough to know they are not gone.

The feeling of running is starting to go away too. I just want it all to go away. All of it. But I know they will be there again in the darkness of another night. Waiting for me, pulling me away and revealing themselves within the shadows and fog that I am terrified of. The terror and memories held somewhere, by those within. And somewhere in it all, I know they are me, but until night, I will be as strong as I can, and try.

I keep trying, and trying. I am still very afraid, but trying to pull it all back within, within myself away from this day. That is all I can do, but I am doing it the best I can. I just want it all to go away. Just go away. It's now after 9:00 AM, soon everyone will be awake and life goes on. I must move on too. I have too. I have to somehow.

I feel I want a hug, but I am afraid to be touched, to ask for one, or to reach for one. Maybe here, May I ask for a hug, maybe??? Maybe that is asking too much. Much more than I deserve or warrant. I just don't know.

I don't know if this makes any sense, I am afraid of even part of these words. But I'm really trying, I will keep really trying. I have to. Or it will swallow me. Swallow me within the shadows, within the darkness, within the terror, within the evil. And I just want it to go away. Just go away...please...

dps