Hi IDM, when it's been a big part in your life........in coping........sometimes even if the old/usual feelings aren't there it can still feel like there's something missing........a gap.........
And it's something you can associate with feeling "better" even if things aren't that bad anyway when you're thinking about it.............
Or even things in the back of your mind like "thing's shouldn't be this good for me, I need to............."/"OK, they've been good long enough"/"OK, I can stop if I want to, but I don't want too"
And it is an addiction, of course............
But IDM, please try to keep yourself as safe as you can. Really glad about the breaks from the "normal self-hatred" because you matter so much, and you do deserve so much more than the SH.
I do know it can be SO hard not to but try to hang in there as far as you can, hey??

Alison