I can't answer your questions. Believe me, I wish I could. Repeatedly being raped as you were explains a lot, though. It's my understanding that what you are feeling is normal for rape victims. I'm guessing you have reached out for help and for whatever reason, you were shot down. All I can say is, keep trying. Somewhere out there are people who can help you. Keep reaching out and you will find them. There was a time when I thought there was no hope for me and I remember living with that horror everyday. It got a lot better for me because I didn't give up (most days anyway).