Hi all,

I'm posting to see if anyone here can relate to how I feel/is in a similar boat. Or possibly just to tell me to pull myself together and do something about it!

I feel very trapped (by myself) when it comes to friendship. I have maybe 2 'close' friends that aren't my family or boyfriend and I rarely see them.. And I doubt they would consider me close. Whilst I am happy not having a social life because it causes so much stress and unnecessary drama, at the same time I feel like there must be something inherently wrong with my personality and that I ought to be ashamed at having no friends. The trouble is I just do not trust girls in the whole, mainly due to poisonous past friendships.. And I don't feel comfortable being close to guys when I have a boyfriend. My life consists of seeing my boyfriend, working, spending time with my parents and my dog and having various meetings etc. I dont think its anxiety-induced (although when forced to socialize I do feel anxious) I would just rather spend time reading or with my family than with 'friends' who cause extra drama. I'm really self-contained and am most comfortable when alone.. but this doesnt neccesarily mean its good for me, actually my hiding away on my own contributes to my depression in the long run. I guess I just opt for my comfort zone far too much.
I also feel like almost all social interaction is just so fake, and I cant stand it. Unless two people know one another amazingly well, I feel like its all feigned communication... (dont think I'm explaining this very well) I've only felt like this since my relationship with my ex. Our level of connection was incredibly deep so that we instinctively just *knew* what one another was thinking/feeling. Ever since experiencing that, I've felt like all other relationships are shallow and fake. I wish I could erase the memory of what such a deep level connection is like.

Having said all this; sometimes I'll pass groups of people out together at the weekend and feel a sense of longing- I'd love to 'belong' to a social group but there are so many factors in the way. A) I would have to give up some of my 'me-time', which I would resent doing B) I'm scared that I'd feel how I did in the past in social groups- an outsider, 'boring', not good enough etc etc.. C) everyone already seems to have their set friendships at this point in life.. theres no openings for new ones.

Ugh I realise how much of a whiney idiot I sound. I am my own worst enemy, I realise that! I've sounded all this out with counsellors in the past and (whilst its good to talk it out) have never come to any solution.

I guess really what i'm looking for is someone to tell me; 'Hey, its okay if you enjoy being on your own.. and not having a friendship group doesn't mean you are a loser'

But, I don't know.. maybe it does.

Thanks for letting me ramble