I have a similar problem. I always feel troubled and anxious, but with me I have searched and I don't know why. It's as if I need to get something off my chest, which would relieve me. I feel condemned like I've done something or am something unforgivable, since I can't place the blame on anything I know. I default and think the worst about myself.

I know what you mean when you say "I'm such a mess. I really need help. I don't even know how to express myself properly."

It's possible we're more similar in other ways too. You say "I REALLY NEED TO BE MYSELF." I've worn masks through my whole life, without really knowing I have. But I'm scared of what's inside me, I feel like I have to keep at bay the evil in me so I don't do something radical. I'm afraid to be myself.