So yesterday I went with my mom to the grocery store to help her out with carrying things and pushing the cart, because she wasn't feeling well. Usually when I'm in a large and populated place (like a store), I get a good feel of what some of the people around me must be thinking when they look at me. What comes to mind - "Look at that girl, she's huge." "I wonder how she can even push that cart." "Poor girl, she's really let herself go, it's like she doesn't care about herself at all." And when I'm in public, and someone gives me that pitying look, I want to s c r e a m . I want to scream it right in their faces - NO! I DON'T CARE ABOUT MYSELF! WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT MYSELF?! Because it's true. I'm starting to realize just how little I actually care about myself or my health and wellbeing. And it's troubling. It's troubling because I know I should care about myself - and I want to. But I don't know how. My self-esteem is low, so could it be that I don't feel I deserve to be cared for? Maybe. However, when I try to do right by myself - eat better, exercise, get enough sleep, not watch TV and surf the web all day - it's like...I don't know. It's like, Why am I doing this? Like I'm wasting time on something that isn't important, when in reality, I know that caring for myself is very important - I just can't seem to convince myself of this. Now everywhere on the internet, and especially here on Psych Central, I've been seeing "self-care". Yes, I've read some articles, but none of them really resonated with me all that much. (I really want to learn how to care for myself, but without it feeling so...corny? I guess?) I can't see a therapist, so I'm turning to here for help. I'm tired of being indifferent to myself. I want to care for myself, and maybe even love myself, but now it's seems that goal is reaching farther and farther away...becoming more and more impossible.