There's an update. I admit what I did was wrong and it hurt myself and boyfriend deeply. I broke down even more in the middle of last week about Army guy because I couldn't take it anymore. Bf told me you had chances to tell me everything upfront and said he doesn't trust me anymore which I understand completely not expecting him too.

He kept me up all night on Thursday knowing we both had to work the next day and Friday was suppose to been the day he was gonna start working at another store for stable hours. He sneered at me in the text msgs and I was hurt when he asked me have I ever kissed my male coworkers and male students at work? That is just abusive! Told him no, it was only Army guy. He told me he knew something was wrong with me by the way how I was acting and the fact that I possibly made out with someone - not sure how he could figure that out quickly. He never said anything to me because he didn't want me to accuse him of not trusting him.

I didn't go to bed until 4am and before that had to talk to my sister to help me through this. Sister said yes, you made a costly mistake and you're learning from it. I know this isn't an excuse, but boyfriend needs to realize you haven't dated a lot of guys to know those signs that Army guy played. Which is true I didn't date a lot and yea I fell for Army guy's charm, sexiness, hotness, cuteness, etc. My sister said he saw you were hurting and took advantage of it. Yes, it is true. Army guy did listen to me and treated me like a real girlfriend.

Boyfriend and I spoke asking me why. I told him I thought Army guy changed and he said if he changed I wouldn't be sorry and didn't know how to answer that. I said I thought I wanted to be with him because you can't give me what I want: a home, stability, a new life, a new meaning, etc. He said I want that too and said why don't we have it yet? Why is it still taking almost 10 yrs to get it? He said it costs money plus I wasn't working back then (which is true I should have) and also I met him when he wasn't working either he had jobs then didn't have any always borrowing money from me!

Boyfriend told me I didn't have to cheat and you went to see him to start a possible relationship with him that I shouldn't have let him play with my emotions which is true and I agree I didn't have to cheat. Boyfriend said come talk to me I said I have and felt like a lot of times you just dusted **** under the rug and I walked away angry in tears. He said I always listened to you know you know that and I said how come things aren't different? Thought Army guy could give me what I want and retry our relationship again that didn't work 10 yrs ago. I blocked Army guy from all communication and my sister said yea, Army guy is the wrench in the relationship what are boyfriend and Army guy's problems with each other? I told her boyfriend said Army guy is a creep, stalkerish, issues, etc and Army guy felt boyfriend is sloppy, can't seem to propose (he did in 07), can't get you stability, looks like he gave up life, sorry ***, etc.

She said Army guy could have gave his opinion of your relationship and left it at that and if that was me, if you are so in love with me, where's the ring? Propose to me now! Army guy said we would have to take it slow, go on dates, be together for a while, ask me to move in with him, and then he would marry me later on - that's what Army guy said he would have done if he was my boyfriend. My sister said he wanted a piece of *** and ignored you because you didn't give him what he wanted exact same thing as boyfriend told me. I saw signs but I ignored it because I was mesmerized by Army guy the way he looked at me, the way he held me, the way he held my hand, the way he kissed me, etc I felt this surge of fire within me. Army guy said you and boyfriend seem to have lost spark with each other. How many more years are you gonna keep waiting for him to get it together?

Boyfriend said he was close to ending it with me which I understand. He said he prayed about us and I would have ended up extremely depressed and suicidal again which I don't wanna be that kind of person. He said why would you wanna go with Army guy? You know his history, would you be friends again with your ex-friend? Like I said, I thought he changed. I told boyfriend you're not innocent in this too you cheated on me by going online cybering with women or whoever and I saw it in your email. He got quiet saying I know and I apologized to you already. I said I don't think I ever got over it as it was very hurtful this was when I was still in therapy too! He cybered twice with women after he told me he wouldn't do it anymore and then he posts an ad to find a suga mama last year so we can have money before we got hired. I was so hurt how could he do this? What I did wasn't payback, I am just hurting emotionally as I am seeing couples out there getting a place together and starting a new life that still isn't us yet!

My sister told me on Sunday omg, he has so many excuses you seem to be very fed up with him. I wish I would've listened to my sister either turned down Army guy's lunch invite or just sat and talked with him that was it send him on his way. My problem is letting people sucker me into things because I don't wanna hurt their feelings, not an excuse, but that has been my problem for a long time. Yes, I am still working on myself and got the support from social worker and women's center definitely not my ex-therapist! I was always trying to help boyfriend to do better he *****ed and complained. I would forward him jobs to look at it, told me he would look at them and apply, by the time the due date passed; he was upset with me because " I didn't tell him earlier," yes I did! I feel like I am still doing all the work trying get an apartment and he said I am not doing all the work, again, where's our home? I thought the man is suppose to provide his future wife a home?!

Boyfriend told him I didn't want to break up and you end doing something harmful to yourself as I don't wanna bear that pain. He wants to start over as friends then rebuild the friendship. He told me he doesn't wanna see me talking to guys or flirting with them and told him the same for women or cybering or it is over as he agreed. My sister said you're gonna talk to people regardless, I am not the best when it comes not knowing when a guy is flirting. We need to be clear as to why that guy or girl is talking to us make sure it isn't flirting. Boyfriend said I don't mind if you have relationships with women, but not another guy! I said why weren't u man enough to come talk to me if you felt we were having intimacy issues? He agreed he should have done that. I said you are my true love he said if that's true, you wouldn't have done what you did again what about your cybering?!

He asked if I am taking advantage of him because of an incident that happen months ago. What happen was he was parading around nude in front of me when he was suppose to been dressed and ready (another one of his damn probs never on time). Told him you don't know when your mom may come home early, so he took my phone to go on google plus and I followed him to his room cuz he wanted to show me something and yea his mom came home early to tell us some good news but was angry at what she saw. She would get after him about walking around in the house in boxers and a wife beater in front of me telling him to put on shorts. How the hell did I take advantage of him? I told him be dressed and ready before I get there. His mom said I was taking advantage of him, oh really?!? Sex wasn't on my mind that day and boyfriend said in car he wanted to give me a treat and said thanks to your stupidity (as usual), it got me kicked out of the house except for Shabbat! He said I tried to defend you I said your damn fault for not being ready, god damn, why don't you ever get ready before I come over?!? Tying that incident to what happen with Army guy, he seems to be siding with his mom. I am gonna tell him when our break is up that is 2 different things but his mom doesn't know what happened 6 weeks ago.

I had to ask are you taking advantage of me? He said no. I told him I love you too damn much to lose you and he agreed with me. Sister said what is his problem? He is acting like a baby, no a lil *****! He needs to understand you can't control others flirting and if he is gonna use that against you if a guy is talking to you about something whether it be the weather, directions, etc then it's time to let boyfriend go! He is too insecure and childish! I see myself in his mom and him in his dad. Sister he needs to look at the bigger picture of his job and a possibility to move out of state as my sister offered us to come there in NV to find work. His mom would ask him 99 questions about it how come he is gonna come with me to stay with my sister who is a stranger to him? They have spoken on the phone a lot, never met in person, seen pix of each other, etc that's it! Probably would tell him not to come with me as he doesn't know my sister in person. I told him why can't we leave AZ to find better? He said what about Shabbat? I know his mom is here and wants to be close to her yet he is 34!

Once I get full time, I will save up money so in the future I will be leaving AZ either with or without him. He said he can get more hours than me yet I get paid more at 25 hrs a week that's all I can get. His hours go up and down, they had him working one day a week which he is paying his mom rent and helping out how can you do that on your own in your own place?!? I said you can't survive off of pennies on the dollar which he agreed. My sister told me he either needs to get the 6 mos exp and look for another job, do a 2nd job, or get that year's experience then find something else because if he thinks he can continue to do one a day a week for a cpl years he will always be stuck.

I am either trying to get a 2nd job or get full time within the college district which I am waiting to see if the other school will contact me. I can feel myself getting closer to my goal of getting full time. Boyfriend said he wants to get store assistant which is full time he was told he could advance and I said good that is a good goal. How many hours do you need to work in order to move up? Keep your eyes and ears open for anything I know I do at work. I have always been the driving force in this relationship, thank god I have no kids for him.

We are working on our relationship and a friend said this may be a test to see how much you two truly love each other and told boyfriend if I see no progress then you know what I am gonna do. I gotta go to work now...