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justagemini · Oct 28, 2014, 04:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deprofundis

Morning, all. My name is Rene. This is the first time I've ever considered talking to other people on a message board about my condition, my problems, my ongoing battle with Bipolar I, dissociation/depersonalization, and OCD tendencies. After 7 years of misdiagnoses (and a 2-year stint of intense treatment for Dissociative Identity Disorder, which I didn't have), I was finally diagnosed properly and put on the right medication. I'm a working professional and reasonably stable but with an everyday baseline of lingering depression. My life is empty. I don't do well with people. I've never had a single romantic relationship before, only brief encounters. I feel highly uncomfortable in crowds and around people I don't know. When I'm at work, that's the only time I can keep it fully together -- I literally split, into a different kind of person, to keep super-stable in my job and be able to handle being around other people and deal with my many responsibilities. The moment I walk out of the doors and get into my car to go home, though, this persona drops and I'm often then overwhelmed by exhaustion, irritability, and simmering depression. I don't know where I'm going in my life. I turned 27 this year and, while some people think that's young, considering what I haven't yet achieved or even gotten close to achieving, I feel like a complete failure. No relationship, no further in my chosen profession, no graduate degree, no financial stability, loads of debt from manic spending sprees, etc. On top of all of this, every day I think about the darkness. The days spent locked in my room, completely overtaken by severe, psychotic mixed episodes, filling whiteboards with what I thought was the secret of life itself... cutting, picking, and being self-destructive. Loss of any and all control. And, now, I constantly feel the need, the urge to get it back. To let go. To give up and let myself fall back into the darkness.

I guess I just didn't know where to turn, and so I turned here.

Hello!! I too am new here can relate. I started with severe anxiety about 2 years ago. I guess a tad bit of depression along the way but didn't know what real depression was until the past 6 months. I had a great career one degree and another half way done. The job pushed me to the max where the anxiety began to be so hard to deal with. I went on sick leave and have never went back. I am worse now then when I ever went out on sick leave. They couldn't hold my position after 6 months. IT was kind of a blessing and what I wanted but then when a lot of other things took place depression came hard. Many days locked in the bed room sleeping all day. I am a single mother and always ALWAYS took care of those responbilities but any time she was at school, etc. I was asleep for 2 months. I couldn't deal. Then I started over thinking everything. Decided I was more lonley in my life then I had ever been. Realtionshiops basically the same as you...but one even deeper but still not a true relationshiop. Emptiness..to the pit of my stomach just EMPTY and sad. Just recently started new meds again .. Diagnosed Bipolar II, Anxiety, ADD. Every day is a struggle..and I truly mean that..just the past few days something has just clicked that I AM WORTH IT..I am worth HAPPINESS. I have a long way to go to be "happy" but instead of me dreading to get up and then go back to sleep all day .. I've gotten up the past few days - read quotes - used this forum that I think is going to be a great thing! Don't give up. It seems it will NEVER go away .. but I know I have worked thru it having to "fake myself out" sometimes to be happy .. and I am one step to feeling better and loosing that emptiness. Best of luck to you!!!!