I just found out what's going to happen next hearing before the judge's final ruling regarding alimony. In short, I'm going to be bullied by my ex- 's lawyer: she is terrifying... I don't know how I'm going to manage; I'm already losing sleep over this and the hearing is twenty days away! She is going to badge me about my ability to work (being profoundly deaf, relying mostly on lip reading -sometimes in English doesn't help me much... I'll have a translator to help me but I know that in extremely tense situations, my anxiety gets the best of me and I fumble answers, my mind goes blank... in short, I'm a total wreck. How to get leverage in these situations? How to get the Judge to empathize with me and to make her see that's not easy for me to get a job independently like any body- able individual? My ex-, chair of the department, made the case that I can go and get a job like any of the graduates there when he failed to mention that the recent graduates got a whole support network, apply to specifically post that ask for the kind of training they receive... I'm not prepared to compete with them not having the same training, nor the professional supportive network! I'm overwhelmed by my situation, a job is not a priority right now bc I don't know where to go... I don't know if I want to live here or not. The divorce shocked me to my core: all my identity is blurred and out of focus... More than thirty years invested in a relationship, with kids, changing jobs, supporting him, doing things for him beyond my comfort to show my support and love, everything erased bc he wanted to be alone, never wanted to fix what was broken BY HIM... And now he refuses to pay the amount of alimony I ask or need to keep a resemblance of the ''lifestyle'' acquired along the years working, loving and supporting each other... I don't know what I'm going to do but one thing is certain: I'm going to be a total wreck at the hearing bc I feel lost in this new and totally uncomfortable, unjust and unfair situation...