Ok, if you are really worried it may be time to call a crisis line 1800 273 8255.

I have found them helpful in the past. If I am misreading your post I apologize.

I know, what it is like to struggle for help when all you want to do is curl up in a ball. I also know what it is like to hit a wall when you have nothing left to burn.

sending you lots of love and hugs