This is what it makes me feel and think about........(sorry to go on, just need it out)

I know that my therapist cancelling, last minute once I was already sitting in his waiting room, is completely understandable.

He has to put his family first, especially if one is sick, and work will always come a distant second. I know that I am just a client to him. Sure he may care, but I'm just a client.

It's just........this is a HUGE trigger for me. I was always made to feel second best, in fact no wait......4 kids......4th best. I was always made to feel 4th best. No wait, not even 4th best......I was forgotten,

When all four of us adult children were together for mothers 60th, and she was telling each of us what she thought we would be when we grew up, she went around the other 3......then changed the subject. I had to ask, hang on Mum, what did you think I'd be when I grew up? (I was an optician at this stage living in London) She said........... "Oh, I never really thought anything about you".

The entire family sat around the table and laughed at me. We were in a restaurant. I felt like she had hit me. I don't think I have ever felt less insignificant, useless and worthless in my life. I had to go to the bathroom so no one could see me cry. Still today writing this I am in floods of tears, and feeling all of those feelings, and more....all of the feelings if shame and disgust at just being me.

With my first husband, I was second best to his drinking and hunting and friends. Apparently I was an embarrassment to him. I don't want to go in to more detail really, at this point, but he ruined me for a long time. I don't even know why I was with him.

My second husband, his own needs were more important after he had survived cancer, I didn't feature, I didn't matter....despite how I supported him and gave up so much to be there with him all the way through that horror.

So not only does my therapist not being available feed in to deep feelings of 'second best', but also those nasty feelings of abandonment.

My early days were all about that, although.....can you feel abandoned by someone who is there physically but not emotionally? Anyway. My father.....left. My ex husbands both abandoned me at my times of greatest need. I don't want to talk about the first one, but my second....I had post natal depression, was barely coping and he left. Left me with a baby that woke 5-6 times a night, with no support, just after having moved country, no income, no home....he left. He came back after a number of months but the trust was gone, my depression went undiagnosed and this was actually the thing that triggered the ptsd. The birth, the inability to cope, being abandoned by.....

Ugh. I know this is a huge long rant, and more info than I have shared. I can't even factor in to all this the trauma. The rapes, the childhood stuff.

This small seemingly innocuous act of my therapist leaving me alone in the waiting room, with good reason, and cancelling on me......has left me triggered and spiralling. It's ridiculous that I can't manage a single thing like this. But I need to, because he is going to be away so much over the next 3 months.......I need to be able to handle this.

Acceptance? **** that for the moment! I don't want to accept any of the ******** I have been through. I know it's nothing dramatic, I know others have experienced worse and I just need to move forward. But I am stuck here, with all this ******** flying around my head now.

All because my therapist needed to stay home and look after his son.

I am so selfish, and self indulgent with this post I know. But it needs to get out of me, all of these thoughts need to be outside of my head......sorry to vent.