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Old May 08, 2007, 09:10 PM
Moonkin
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Hi all. This is most likely the most difficult most disapointing post i've made. This is my truth and my fear.

As all who become depressed for the first time, you think its temperary sadness that was just casued by something small.

Being a kid yet to even reach teenage hood I felt sad, no reason , I never quuestioned my sadness just felt it. Never explored it, never understand it. As I grew into it from child hood to being a teen full of hormones, I realized its here for longer then a week,a month, a year, and quite possibly forever.

Well now I've had depression for several years 6 years maybe? And next year turning into an adult 18 I know this is more then I had ever anticipated.

You must want to get better, you must love yourself, and trust those who understand. These are words and phrases I hear so so often.

Honestly. I want. Badly to get better, but just like a drug addict, isn't the feeling of being on a buzz/high much more common then feeling normal? Thats also true for my and most of our depressions, being sad just like being happy is easy because its 1 emotion that isnt interuptted. Mixed feelings complicate our life , hence why teenagers are so damn moody =D.

My story is repetetive. I've lost more then i've gained, I've lost the friends I once had do to forceing theem into being my friends. I've lost my will, becauise I neverunderstand my confidents. And Now i'm loosing my own trust.

My poetry best describes me. I've let many individuals read it. It shocks them, scares them, and they leave. One thing that is grappling my attention is the fact that I've not had ONE NOT ONE person come into my life EVER to be with me, as a friend, nothing unless I am the one who forceses it.

That's why I hate my therapist as well as ALL therapist, at first its ok, but 6 years of having to PAY someone professional to listen to me. I have family , friends WHY WHY WHY WONT THEY? I've tried for 6 years, yet I grasp the same tears, the disapointment of failure to understand why they wont understand me.