Hi mommaxo.
First of all, thank you so much for sharing your story. It takes a lot of guts to share. Especially when the things you're sharing don't make you look so good.
I think honestly that you are caring for your baby right now. And yourself. You have been through a lot in your life, probably seen things that most people can't even dream of. And you want to change but don't know how. That in itself can be the scariest thing of all. People make it sound so easy. "just get your **** together. What's your problem?"
I'm an alcoholic. I get it. It doesn't matter what you know with your head. It doesn't matter how much you want to change for those you love, for yourself, for the love and future of your child. Alcoholism is a disease. It warps and twists everything. People make the mistake of assuming that alcoholics choose to drink. But if you are an alcoholic there is no choice. If you are an alcoholic and haven't managed to recover, and you go through a dry period (not drinking) for whatever reason, it's only a matter of time because until an alcoholic can drink again they will not, can not, stop obsessing about it.
I think going to AA will be good for you. At the very least, it is somewhere healthy to go. Everyone there is trying to sober up, stay sober, or has achieved actual recovery and help you figure out how. And believe me when I say that no matter where you have been and what you have done, some of the stories in those rooms will shock the hell out of you. So don't let shame be something that holds you back from going.
I really wish you all the best. If I lived where you did I would gladly take you to a meeting. I began my recovery journey with AA and NA (Narcotics Anonymous), and thanks to the solid foundation I built in the rooms of these meetings, with the people at these meetings, and with the literature and steps they suggest, I have been sober over 8 years now. I'm not even kidding when I say that I am a completely different person now. I think back on my life and it just seems like a bad movie, a nightmare that happened to someone else. Of course I realize that picking up a drink will never not be an option as long as my arms and hands are working, so I still work to maintain my sobriety. And I will do everything in my power to make sure I always will.
Take good care. Please message me if you need to talk about anything. I will not judge you.