So, I've been trying to understand myself and my behavior, and I think I touched on one of the issues recently when I remembered things from my childhood that I didn't think about before, the fact that I struggled for approval and attention from my mother. During elementary and middle school I remember often asking my mom to spend time with me, but she rarely wanted to do anything, so I played alone most of the time, she also worked a lot, so from fifth grade until I don't know when I was home alone. I didn't have many friends, and she and my dad are divorced, so she was my primary interaction. I think I felt so alienated from her, or something, because I remember often telling her that if she hated me so much she should just kill me. To this day I still have a hard time getting her attention and approval. I try to strike a conversation, she often gives me a look like "can you shut up," or I try to tell her something interesting and she just stays quiet. Also, often when I try to give good news she looks for something to judge, like the other day I was telling her that my friend's husband, his brother may be able to fix my car at a lower price than the mechanics, but she just scoffed at it, like it was something horrible. I'm afraid of her reactions, will she not react at all and just be cold, or will she overreact?

So I think, to this day I still try to gain some approval and attention from others, including herself.

Just wanted to share my discovery, I had totally blocked out that party of my childhood.