I hope things are going better for you now. You ask if we have ever really messed up. Yes, my life from the age of 18 to about 21 was was a 3-year, non-stop car wreck. I was so crazy, out of control and vile to everyone around me at that time that I literally lost every friend I had and am still known to this day by those people as a complete psycho. That was 30 years ago now, yet they still remember. The good news is that the older you get and the more you understand yourself and your illness, the better things can get. For me, giving up drink and drugs was a major improver of my quality of life. Those substances accelerate BP like petrol on a bonfire. In your case, 43camt, you have only just got your diagnosis, so you are still testing everything out. Believe me, it'll get better and better the older you get if you really pay attention to your mood patterns and try to work with them rather than resist them, and if you identify the triggers and accelerators and try as much as possible to remove, avoid or reduce exposure to them wherever possible. And there is always the knowledge that this illness we have is a constant cycle. You get to a low and you have seen it before. You know it's a matter of waiting and wading through it and you'll end up out the other side again. It's the same with the mania - it only lasts so long, and you know pretty much how it'll turn out, so again it's a matter of going with it and letting it take its usual course. In the end, the very curse of it being a reoccurring cycle ends up being reassuring in its repetitiveness. If that makes any sense. Hang in there. It'll get better. Your girlfriend sounds like a keeper.

Darvula