Baboon RedPanda,

My mother went from high school to college (living at home) to marriage with no time to learn to live by herself. I know my grandfather was very tough on her to be the best she could be, but my grandmother would tell her not to be to good doing (you name it) because boys wouldn't like her. My mother listened to my grandfather.

Within 11 months of marriage my brother arrived. Then my sister arrived 12 months later. Soon after I arrived and finally my sister. Because we came so fast my mom's OB/GYN told her she had to stop. It was taking a toll on her body. She wanted 10 of us.

Being the mother of 1 was easy, then 2 was a little more difficult, but she managed. When I arrived I put her over the edge. And then my younger sister arrived she was overburdened. However, she had the support of both her family and her in laws. We were the first of our generation.

Now, for those of you who don't know, the first born son of an Irish woman is her treasure. If you were to ask my mom who her favorite child was she would say all of us, but everyone in my family knows it's my brother. It's something we laugh about now, but when we were little it really bugged me.

I had to wear glasses beginning when I was 2. With the glasses came a nickname I HATED!!! I would cry every time someone called me it, which was pretty often. My mother's responses were many when I would go crying to her - "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." "Ignore them." "Go to your room until you stop this nonsense." ... So when the CSA started I tried to tell her, but got one of usual responses each time. I finally gave up.

Baboon RedPanda, my childhood was much like yours when it came to my mother. I tried many times to get her attention. If it was for help I got the same response as when I tried to tell her about the CSA and if it was to tell her something good I got "I would expect no less."

As I got older I tried to have a relationship with her, but it was too hard, very one-sided. Every so often I would get a call from her that consisted of her yelling at me for something she perceived I did/didn't do. I was the only one to get these calls. I ended up shutting her out of my life. When my MIs hit I didn't tell her and I told my siblings to not say anything to her. I had medical problems, surgeries, I was hospitalized for SI and for being suicidal. She knew nothing and I liked it that way.

Eventually, my T convinced me to tell her, which I did during one of my T appointments. I told her about my MIs, CSA and a rape that occurred in college that required surgery to repair the damage. You want to know the first thing she said? Not "I'm so sorry". Not, "What can I do to help". The first thing out of her mouth was "Why am I just now finding out about this?"

To this day my relationship with her is superficial. I don't call, email, ... If I see her at a family function I am cordial, but that's it. She will send me little notes like "Please call", "I miss you", ... In a conversation with my sister a few weeks ago, she told me mom was diagnosed with dementia. She suggested that if I have unfinished business with her I should take care of it sooner rather than later, but it can't be anything difficult. I thought about it and decided I told her everything I need to and, while I am sorry she has dementia, there is nothing else I want or need to do or say.

Now, I at least have siblings, but when I was younger we were typical siblings. They teased me incessantly and we fought all the time. Being rejected by my mother made me an introvert so making friends was difficult and being in social situations was overwhelming. Today I have wonderful relationship with my siblings and a few close friends, but no one that I am completely open with. I never learned to completely trust people and that has left me feeling very alone.

I have finally accepted she is who she is and I will never have the mother I wanted or needed. While I am sad about that, there's nothing else I can do, and I don't choose to have a real relationship with her. I hope you are, one day, able to reach this point of acceptance. Once I did, it was one less problem I needed to deal with.