First, it's okay if you guys hijacked my thread a bit. If it helped you to some insight or caused you feel your emotions, then it's worth it.

However, I am still sorry it made you feel bad, Sunny. I hope you are doing okay.

Secret, I am quite attached to my dad. We are close, and I have horrible anxiety about him not being here one day. Although he lives in NY and I'm in Philly now, we remain close. However, I do recognize that I have a very idealistic view of him, and have an extremely hard time getting angry at him, even when I know he did something that should otherwise make me mad. I transfer my dad stuff onto my T all the time. Just like with T, sometimes I want to push away the relationship with my dad so it won't hurt so bad when one day he's not here anymore. He's 65, and his health is pretty good... just diabetes and high blood pressure... it's not like he's dying or anything, but this is just how I get.

I was trying to figure out why I don't want to call T. I know that it's not because I don't want him to think I'm a needy %#@&#!-- he already knows that. Nothing to hide there. So I figured out a couple of reasons. Secret, you were right on when you said it's another form of self-harm--punishing myself by not calling. Interestingly enough, I am very close to calling him, and I SI'ed a bit tonight-- one harm in exchange for another. I also do not call because the disconnect is so bad that even if I stay on the phone with him for 5 minutes, right after I hang up, the disconnect is back. Worse, I think. You know how sometimes the minutes immediately following a session are the most painful? That's how it will feel when I hang up the phone with him.

I HATE THIS.

And sometimes I hate him for this.